Hi to our Readers!
I apologize it has been a while since the last blog that I have written. I have been not into writing blogs for the past 4 or 5 years maybe. Well, I have been busy making ends meet, I focused more on my career, and now at the end of the year 2020, I have been reflecting on what have I done meaningful, and is it worth living for the past 4 to 5 years.
Well, first of all, I want to share with you guys that I gave birth to my son last January of this year. Yehey for that! And guess what, he is now turning 1 year old next year.
Now, looking back on my almost 5 years of service in the government, made me think if I really deserve all the stress I have been into. Compensation wise, I am grateful my salary is beyond what I had when I first start working, and yet the tasks assigned to me have been piling up like crazy, had lots of things to do, that I am not sure if I really made the right choice and if I am really happy with what I am doing.
In my first 2 years, I was overwhelmed by the tasks given, the challenges were really vast that I really need to be versatile. No ifs, no buts, just work. I have shed some tears, cried once, but at the end of that experience, I was happy and grateful that I have learned a lot of things, especially in project management, innovative e-learning solutions, and services. Those experiences made me who I am today. I missed those times when I can smile widely, I can laugh aloud, I am who I am.
Then I bid farewell to one of my closest friends. I was the one who bid goodbye to our friendship. Not because she cannot pay back her debt but because I know, I am aware of, on all those years that I have been a friend to her, and as I consider her a sister, that sometimes I felt I am always following what she wants me to do. Well I am passive with my friends, but I know there are times she controls me and my reactions to things or situations depend on what she says to me, but at the end of the day, since I consider her a sister, I threw all the doubts away. Until the day I felt that I had enough, I know she has been using me to her advantage, and sometimes I am using her to fill the emptiness I had knowing I am not with my family. But in that case, and in that moment, I felt it is enough, I should cut ties knowing she will be there only when she needs me. That our friendship is not healthy anymore, transparency and honesty do not exist anymore that I need to cut it, I need to get away from it, and it is my choice and I am happy with my choice. Hoping she is happy too.
In the succeeding years, on my 3rd years of service, I was assigned in an Office where it tackles more on policies, more regulatory, more rigid, tougher. I met another mentor. She projects as if she is a cold-hearted person, but at the end of the day, she is a kind woman, an amazing person with a kind heart that not everyone could see. I admire her that when she retired I cannot say goodbye, because deep down in my heart I know I will still and would want to work with her.
A few months after, I need to bid farewell to another friend. An amazing person, a person who I had been with for a short span of time, and yet as she shares her challenges, her shortcomings, her experiences, I am seeing her at the lens of my eyes how strong she is as a woman who has the courage to say the things she wants and do the things she thinks is best. I know, and I have witnessed how she loves her work, up to the last day she went to work before her resignation, I saw how hard it was for her to say goodbye, how heartbreaking it is to leave her established career, and on all the memories and time she prioritized work over her family, over herself to the point where she no longer knew what or where she will be going. It was another heartbreak for me seeing her go, but I know she will be happy knowing she will wake up without stress, without disappointments related to work.
Here comes another friend of mine during the pandemic, I saw signs, and her actions were very unusual. Because I love her dearly, I told her she got mad without a reason, and true enough, because of stress and feel everything has been piling up, and endless tasks were given she came to a point she got angry easily. I was comforting and supporting her all throughout, and gladly she overcomed that circumstance/ point in her life.
Here comes me, in this time of the pandemic, I was frustrated, I was mad at myself, I was procrastinating at times, and I am looking back for almost one year that has transpired. I had been to a point where I was crying because of my frustrations at work, crying because I want to succeed in my business, I want to achieve all my dreams and earn a lot of money to provide good home and future to my kids, my family, my mom, my sisters. I am frustrated seeing my daughter who cannot catch up with lessons at school, I am frustrated seeing her bad handwriting and her attitude of giving up easily, and can't tolerate much pain. I am frustrated with my husband whose goals unidentified, frustrated, and at the same time happy seeing him happy in doing nothing, on his life without any direction, on his life come what may. I don't know, maybe it is me who can't see what he wants in life, or what his dreams are. I sometimes envy his life without stress, without thinking of work-related tasks to be accomplished, without thinking of bills to pay, without frustration in generating extra income. I want to be like him, but at the back of my mind, if I will not do something to earn extra, nothing will happen to us. I cannot rely on luck or on destiny because I have bills to pay, I have people who are relying on me.
But in as much as I want to, I just want to find the real me, who is happy all the time, who appreciates little things, me who had time to do what I am really passionate about. And I envy my husband and my daughter for not taking advantage of this time to do and be productive out of being in the quarantine. That we should act now, do something about now, not later, not never.
Looking back, in this time of pandemic, made me realize despite all the hardships, the pains, the goodbyes, the frustrations, the envy, what matters most is that I am healthy, we are healthy, we are alive, we are still alive, we are still breathing, and we can still make our lives worth living for. Is this life worth living for? Are we fighting for nothing? or are we fighting to live and survive?
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